SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH OTHERS AND YOURSELF

As black women it’s no secret that we are expected to be the pillars of our communities and families. Many expect us to show up for them, do more for them, accept unrequited treatments, and selflessly sacrifice our lives to ensure the happiness and wellbeing of others is in intact. Everyone expects a black woman to save them, while others make it their mission to disregard our existence, pain, and happiness. Additionally, in the workforce, we face many situations of tokenism, microaggression, and unconscious biases. No amount of accolades, accomplishments, and impressive resumes can ever shield us against overt discrimination. Our workload increases without appreciation and acknowledgement from the higher ups and at times colleagues, and in such instances, we find ourselves straddling the fence between wanting to establish firm boundaries to avoid burnout and making sure we don’t lose the ability to sustain our livelihoods.

Nneka Okona explains it even better:

“Setting boundaries is a method of informing those around you how to treat you, how to care for you, how to interact with you in a way that is nurturing, fulfilling, and makes you feel safe. It isn’t about forming a tight fence around your inner being. It is about ensuring you feel free enough to be yourself, in totality, with those you bond with, and interactions are healthy, reciprocal, and beneficial. And also, that your values are acknowledged, honored and respected.”

More than ever, boundaries need to be set to maintain our peace of mind, healthy functional relationships, and self-worth. Here are some of the ways, our boundaries can be strengthened and implemented:

1. Identify and set your boundaries: The first step to attaining this is through self-awareness. This enables us to be very clear and concise on our expectations for ourselves and with others. Self-awareness also helps us tease out what we can tolerate and what we wouldn’t, what we can compromise on, and what we can’t, as well as how assertive and precise we need to be.

2. Communicate your boundaries to others: once you have your key boundaries identified and set, make sure others are also aware of those boundaries. Be firm, assertive, and straightforward when communicating. To ensure success around this, do not ever compromise on your boundaries, waver, nor negotiate with anyone.

3. Make sure your self-care comes first: successful boundaries include prioritizing your self-care, self-love, self-respect, and self-worth. Doing this will enable you to protect your peace, remove anyone who isn’t good for your wellbeing, mental health, and emotional wellbeing. Make sure your self-care process and actions will help you feel more centered and grounded.

4. Set firm consequences when others intentionally test, cross, and or disrespect your boundaries: learn to cut people off the first time they try you or cross your boundaries. People are fully aware of their ill will and disrespectful actions towards you. Many times, it’s done intentional to see how much of your boundaries you would allow them to cross and what they can actually get away with. Your responsibility in scenarios like this, is to let them know you are not the one to ever be played with or tried by setting firm consequences and accountability measures. Never allow anyone to feel comfortable using any actions of emotional manipulations, abusive tactics, reverse psychology, toxicity, narcissism, and unhealthy approaches when dealing and interacting with you. The age old saying “when people show you who they are believe them” rings true in these types of scenarios. Never second guess your boundaries, people who truly respect, care for, and value you, will never do things to cause you harm, disrespect, and hurt. Most importantly, they will never put themselves in a position to lose you out of their lives due to their own actions of not adhering to your boundaries. Maintain your boundaries and do not lower it to accommodate violators. Always remember this!